Hi its Mitch here, here to talk about a movie that you probably never heard of, why? Because reviewing obscure movies is kinda my thing… apparently
This movie starts off with a bunch of cowboys fighting a vampire cowboy; it goes as well as you think it does.
One abrupt cut later we’re now in present day where a bunch of people are digging up a grave with Dr. End Girl, Comic relief and OMG Mexican Rob Schneider!
They find a fresh body with a stake in it and everyone instantly thinks it’s a highlander or something no one (including the fucking sheriff) thinks it might be a homicide
So they take to body to a funeral home (where they apparently perform autopsies at) and it introduces us to Dr. Asshole who decides it would be a great idea to rip the steak out before leaving for the day.
Back at the cemetery one of the day workers decides to loot the grave apparently he’s new to this so he settles on a bloody wooden cross as the most valuable thing in the grave.
Surprise! He gets killed by a vampire cowboy. Too bad he might have been able to put his kids through college with that bloody wooden cross.
And boring montage where nothing happens, OMG a Fridge!
At this point nothing’s happening so I turn on the audio Commentary, there’s like 6 people on the audio commentary and they’re talking about the weather while shooting and the wardrobe, this isn’t helping.
Later that night Dr. Asshole is doing paper work and yelling at the janitor for needing cleaning chemicals Dr. Asshole is actually pretty funny
Do these characters even have names?
New Rule: every time there’s an attempted jump scare take a drink: Drinks so far: 4
So the dead chick wakes up in the freezer then cuts herself and drips the blood in the mouth of a corpse, the corpse turns into a zombie, and then she does that to another corpse and this scene has officially gone on for way to long.
God dammed this music is repetitive
KITTY! … Take a drink
Another shot of that fucking coffin
Take another drink
Dr. Asshole gets bitten by the zombie janitor, he then runs off followed by the janitor who stops to grab the broom
We haven’t seen the main cast now for over ten minutes
So Dr. End Girl is in a redneck western bar alone waiting for husband to show up for her anniversary, but the real kicker here is that she brings an ancient journal found at the grave site to the bar with her… there’s just no way to say that without it sounding stupid
Now we crash back to the western village (there’s no such thing as a smooth transition in this movie) where she reveals that shocker she was bitten by a vampire!
Hell even the bartender is giving her shit for reading that book, that thing can’t smell pleasant, it probably smells like dirt and rotting flesh
And I just now figure out their names: Mickey (comic relief) and Sharron (Dr. End Girl)
Jesus Christ Mickey’s a fuck stick; he calls up Sharron on her anniversary asking to use her key to get into the funeral home so he can pick up his pay check.
Sharron why the fuck are you agreeing to this? Where’s your husband? Jesus Christ you’re a doormat
And Mickey has a girlfriend, they say her name but at this point I’m already 4 beers in and stopped caring
Take a drink
Dr. Asshole runs into the bathroom and turns into a zombie just as the janitor figure out how to open a door (by banging on it)
Where the hell did all these zombies come from? Is the town recovering from the plague or something?
FUCK ONLY 30 MINUTES IN
Thrill at the agonizingly long double ass shot while Mickey fiddles with his keys, wait he already had keys then why the hell did you call Sharron?
HAHAHAHAHA Mickey just said “I don’t think the dead bodies will mind” HAHA man is he in for a surprise
Damn you beer why do you always abandon me right when I need you?’
I wonder if the zombies will attack the bar that would could be interesting
Hey lets split up!
Let’s wait for the door to close very… slowly…before…we…cut
Flashback interrupted at the bar Again only for it to start again WHY??
Take a drink
Wait they can run now? Oh wait that’s the vampire chick
Even Mickey thinks he’s a dumbass for running into the supply closet.
Update: zombies still have not mastered the doorknob
Take a drink (why must you taunt me movie I’m all out of booze)
So Mickey get his cell phone to work, so he naturally calls Sharon instead of the police and yells at her to call the police, naturally as this is a horror movie she only hears enough of the conversation to head down to the funeral home to get Mickey out of the closet. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU CALL THE POLICE MICKEY YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCK!
Take a drink, Beers still empty
Vampire Cowboy kills some rednecks outside the bar and turns them into zombies, another scene that goes on way to damn long
What no interior redneck bar carnage! You cock tease!
Now we see Deputy Billy getting flooded with calls, he wakes the sheriff up and they go out to save the day or something
Hey pointless shots of zombies!
The Sheriff and Billy come to the rescue of some random extra, only to run away after shooting it doesn’t work
Mickey in a dazzling display of competence kills the zombie Janitor by shoving the broom through its head
Where’s Sharron?
Hey more pointless shots of zombies!
Oh there she is she just pulled up to the funeral home
Oh for fucks sake! More pointless shots of zombies!
Sharon and Mickey’s Girlfriend (BJ) Escape from Zombie Dr. Asshole leaving Mickey to die in the broom closet… I approve
And another extra dies, I feel just an invested in him as I do with the rest of the cast
Why does Sharron want to go back for Mickey, shouldn’t his girlfriend be more concerned for him?
And now all the zombies disappear
Take a drink (I would love to)
Mickey and Sharon run into each other
STOP SCREAMING
And now the areas flooded with zombies…
Sharron has the brilliant Idea of splitting up, and I thought Mickey was the dumb one but then again neither of them decide to get into the car to make their escape so maybe they’re both stupid
Again with the pointless zombies shots
Billy and the Sheriff show up after figuring out how to kill zombies and start kicking ass
Long expository scene here the short of if it: vampire chick was pregnant, after the child was born it was stacked as well as the chick and the vampire cowboy, the vampire baby is supposed to be Damien or something,
Speaking of the vampire chick where is she?
So Sharron hatches the Brilliant plan to go back to zombie HQ and grab the vampire Baby,
And when they get back the zombie horde has disappeared again
So Sheriff and Billy decide to go in and get the vamp baby
DEAR GOD BILLY DON’T GIVE MICKEY THE RADIO AND A LOADED GUN!
Why does Sharron think she’s the only one who can do this? She’s the least qualified person to do this… next to Mickey
So it’s here we find out that the vampire cowboy’s name is… Thomas……..
Thomas finally reaches the funeral home just as the cops grab vamp baby
He actually said “that was way too easy” and as soon as he said that zombies teleport in from… I don’t know Valhalla or something
And we have reached the boring action climax; this would be so much more impressive if the guns actually fired
They have a fucking RPG in the trunk of the squad car!
Tom jumps on the roof of the car and start chocking Mickey
Billy and the Sheriff hand the zombies their collective asses
Mickey`s girlfriend freaks out, jumps out of the passenger seat, runs to the side of the car get into the back seat only to get out and run away….?
And she gets eaten
Mickey and Sharon Drive off leaving the Sheriff and Billy to die… bitch
By this time Tom has been choking Mickey for a good 3 minutes now
Tom losses his grip on Mickey, as Sharron swerves wildly to throw him off the car
USE THE GOD DAMN GUN MICKEY!
Wow Mickey you’re a dumbass instead of shooting through the roof he decides to lean out the car window to shoot at him naturally tom just grabs him by the thought again.
The Sheriff gets killed by the zombies
Sharron hits the brakes, throwing Tom into a tree, he then stands up and Sharron hits him with the car pining him against the tree.
This would be a good time to use that RPG now wouldn’t it?
The sun comes up kills Tom and all the zombies drop dead.
THE END
wait a minute what happened to the vampire chick? or Sharron’s husband? damn it movie its not a complex narrative here just wrap shit up
A movie: 1/10
B movie 2/10
Riff factor: moderate- high
Recommend: nope
Official site: http://www.aftersundownmovie.com/
